


the colors have built up in my mind; they're bleeding through my heart

by timshels (littleblacksubmarine)



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Established Relationship, Hurt/Comfort, Kissing, M/M, Masturbation, Nightmares, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-29
Updated: 2019-07-29
Packaged: 2020-07-25 01:20:49
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,018
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20024194
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/littleblacksubmarine/pseuds/timshels
Summary: A undercover investigation leaves more marks than just the physical.





	the colors have built up in my mind; they're bleeding through my heart

There were few greater pleasures in life than kissing Sonny after a long day, even if it only came when Sonny finally crawled in bed beside him long after Rafael had already gone to sleep. He considered it a mixed blessing and a curse that their long hours and often-seemingly opposite schedules gave him the pleasure of letting the ache of missing Sonny lift with little more than a fleeting brush of his lips against his own.

The feeling had grown unbearable this time, as Sonny had been on a rare undercover investigation for a dragging two weeks, unable to be contact and unable to be explained to Rafael beyond the vague description of it as something dangerous but staggeringly important. It made his nerves flutter to think of Sonny at imminent risk of being hurt, limping home to him with bruises on his outsides and insides.

Rafael's relief when Sonny had called was staggering, hearing his voice oddly hoarse and asking for fresh towels and his favorite carryout spaghetti. By the mere tone of his voice, it felt abundantly clear that more than a ghost or two might be following Sonny home to their bedroom.

He sat on the couch waiting, the sun fading and the spaghetti slowly cooling from where it had been carried home in the growing chill of late fall in Manhattan. His chest swelled with an odd sense of pride to be the one to give Sonny exactly what he'd requested, to be the one who made him adjust to home, and a world that wouldn't threaten to hurt him if his soft underbelly was revealed.

To make the time pass as quickly as possible considering the circumstances, he'd absentmindedly put on something garbage for background noise, a dating show with women pulling at each other's hair and men standing idly by and watching without protest. It was a dull roar that distracted him from the anxiety of wondering just who might walk through his front door.

The sound of keys jingling on the other side of the door made his nerves flutter, like he was fifteen again and fantasizing about a first kiss at a high school mixer. It secretly thrilled him that Sonny was able to bring him back to that place of excitement, the marvel of someone loving him back when it seemed to rush out of him like a broken dam. He was always so good at playing it cool. He wondered when it had gone to the wayside.

When the door opened, Rafael felt his shoulders relax immediately at the sight of Sonny - here, in the flesh, with the only indication of what had happened in the last two weeks a still-fresh cluster of bruises dark and around his left eye. There was a thick bristle of stubble along his jawline, and Rafael swallowed a lump in his throat at the vision of Sonny appearing disheveled and still gorgeous.

All things considered, he'd expected worse.

"Hi," Sonny said, voice tired and smile creeping to his face in a way that felt forced but not unwelcome. He stood in the doorway for an idle moment as though unsure he were entering the right space, as though the door to he and Rafael's apartment was a space he had never seen and might need to sweep with his pistol drawn. Rafael rose to his feet.

"Hello," he said, wondering why his voice was all of a sudden so formal.

Sonny closed the door behind him, now content to seal out the outside world and leave it behind him.

"Lieu told me to spend the next few days at home," he said quietly, something hidden in the back of his mind that Rafael wondered how long he would carry with him.

"Seems like you've earned it," Rafael told him, trying to sound casual. He took a step forward, laying a gentle hand on Sonny's waist.

When their lips met, he could feel a tremble race through Sonny's body, as though he had never anticipated a gentle touch again.

"I missed you," he breathed, almost weakly, against Rafael as he tucked his face into the curve of his neck. "It's just - " His voice was choked, and he didn't continue. There was a palpable silence, and he burrowed his face in that curve, letting his fingers tangle in the undone collar of Rafael's shirt. Rafael carded his fingers through the rumpled, graying strands of hair at the crown of Sonny's skull.

"I missed you," Rafael agreed, being cautious not to press himself in a persistent grind against Sonny despite his basest instincts. "I was worried about you," he confessed.

Sonny forced a smile, but it was tired around the edges. "You didn't need to be." It sounded hollow to both of them. Rafael felt a achy sinking in his stomach, and tangled a fingertip or two in the belt loop of Sonny's slacks. He marveled at the fact that at least Sonny's clothing appeared still well-composed while the rest of him had languished.

"Sure," Rafael murmured, kissing the corner of his mouth. There was a silence between them as Rafael petted the outside curve of Sonny's hip. "I got your spaghetti. The towels are clean." He paused, a guilty sense of dependence heavy between them. "I had to have Carmen drop them off."

"Does she take tips, then?" Sonny joked, but it sounded lame to both of their ears.

Rafael offered a small chuckle, leaving his side to point out the slightly rumpled paper bag containing the spaghetti on the countertop. Sonny sat down on the stool by the counter, unpacking the spaghetti and leaning over to eat it with an almost-desperate hunger with a fork straight out of the carton. Rafael stood, watching him and wondering if he was intruding. Instead, he left Sonny's side to tip a couple of fingers of scotch into a glass for himself. If he wanted any, Sonny didn't ask. Rafael had picked up a six pack of terrible domestic beer for Sonny in case he was drinking to forget, but the request didn't come.

He watched Sonny pick at his spaghetti, wondering if he would've expected Sonny to eat ravenously or to lose his appetite. There was something quiet between the two of them, and he could practically see Sonny squirming beneath his watchful gaze.

Sonny chewed in silence for a moment, letting Rafael slide his hand into his own free one as he ate in silence, not needing words. His eyes were downcast at the Styrofoam container, and his shoulders were tense.

After he'd taken several slow, almost contemplative bites, he looked back up at Rafael, his eyes nearly quietly pleading. "I'm tired," he said finally, laying down his fork as though resigned to giving up out of the need for sleep that seemed to have evaded him for weeks.

"Go to bed," Rafael told him kindly, stroking at the curve of his jaw before laying a gentle kiss there. "It'll be great. Sleep in your own bed."

The smile that crawled across Sonny's face was tentative and borderline shy, even when he found himself in front of the one person he'd never need to be shy in front of anymore. "You don't have to come with me. You can come when you're tired."

Rafael smiled, the idea of waiting seeming silly, all things considered. Sonny abandoned the spaghetti without a second thought, and while the carelessness might typically annoy Rafael, tonight it seemed easy to overlook. He followed Sonny to the bedroom, watching quietly as Sonny shrugged off his suit jacket. It took Rafael aback to realize that Sonny had taken so long to shed his skin, and he swallowed as he found Sonny almost reluctant to remove the holster holding his gun.

He stood in the doorway, watching Sonny's fingers fumble with the hostler as though worried to part with it.

"You don't need it," Rafael mumbled as though afraid to voice it, to give a name to the fear that seemed to nip at the two of them for weeks. "Not here."

Sonny's back was turned when he finally shed the gun and began to pick open the buttons of his dress shirt. Even with his back to Rafael, it was abundantly clear that a toll had been taken on him for the last two weeks, had cloaked him in darkness and might be difficult to shrug off. "I know." He spoke no further, grabbing hold of the hem of his undershirt and lifting it over his head, thoughtlessly dropping it to the floor.

It was obvious he was too tired to be touched, but with his back to Rafael, he didn't seem to mind the way Rafael's eyes dragged over his body and the lean planes of muscle. His skin was bathed in dim lamplight, the golden light licking its fingers across him. He sighed, stepping out of his pants and underwear. Rafael admired the supple curve of his backside, wishing that it wouldn't be rude to impose on his space. Instead, he remained fixed in the doorway.

"I love you," Rafael managed, watching the way Sonny stood up a little straighter with the knowledge that Rafael's eyes were roaming across his body. Sonny picked up a pair of battered fleece plaid pajama pants from where Rafael had draped them across the foot of the bed - Sonny's favorite, and generally, unforgivably ugly, but acceptable here.

When he turned back to face him, Rafael was stricken by the pinched, tired look splashed across Sonny's face - so often open and easy and so rarely pulled at by pain or worry. "I love you," he agreed, lying down on the bed without further commentary. He sprawled out on his stomach, typical for him, and burrowed one cheek against the cold, soft expanse of the pillow. "I'm sorry, Rafi - I'm just so tired."

Rafael came to stand beside the bed, trailing his fingers affectionately down Sonny's bare back. He shuddered at the feel of Rafael's touch down his spine. "Go to sleep. I'll be here in the morning."

"Mmm," Sonny murmured, eyes already long-drifted closed and mouth dropping lightly open. The breaths he took against the pillowcase were humid, almost shuddering, and Rafael could see the sleep-ridden flinch that escaped him when his bruised eye pressed against the pillow. Despite the pain of it, it was not enough to rouse him from his slumber. He drew the comforter up, tucking it around Sonny's bare shoulders as he worried about the November cold as though it might seep in through the windows and doorframes to drag him back out in a world that had mishandled him.

Rafael returned to the living room, wanting to give Sonny the space to relax even when his fingers itched to reach out and touch the unblemished expanse of his skin. He then moved to the kitchen, tidying up and returning the spaghetti to the refrigerator and the scotch to its rightful place on the shelf. He picked up his small class, sipping at the scotch he'd already poured.

He'd spent the last two weeks in the quiet space of their apartment, shuffling from room to worm and worrying about transpired in the empty space between the two of them. There was an empty hurt to worrying alone. Rafael was in no hurry to drain the rest of his glass, and he turned the lights off as he settled on the sofa with it.

Light filtered in from the streetlamps outside, enough light to be shed on the glass so he could measure the passage of time. Sonny was blessedly quiet in the other room, not even his typical snore escaping him where his face now pressed hard against the pillow. Even from as close as the other room, Rafael missed him, deeply as ever.

Even as the scotch was long gone, Rafael closed his eyes, soaking in the quiet he could now enjoy with the knowledge that Sonny was close by and safe, at least for the moment. It almost seemed unfair to encroach on the space, to shirk off his own layers and slide into bed alongside Sonny. He shifted in his sleep as Rafael brushed a kiss to the base of his neck, making a sleepy noise of happiness as Rafael splayed his hand across Sonny's sternum to feel that his heart still beat two long weeks later. The feel was fantastic.

-

It seemed impossible to know how much time had transpired since Rafael had crawled into bed alongside Sonny, and the dark sweep of nighttime had not faded with the passage of time. It didn't occur to him to worry about it now, not with the way that Sonny thrashed in bed beside him. His body bucked uncontrollably, making the bed shake.

A loud series of snuffling almost-sobs disrupted the silence of their bedroom, and it made Rafael hurt deep inside even with the knowledge that he ought to help. For a moment, he felt paralyzed, wondering if he was capable of putting Sonny at ease from what seemed to torment him. Sweat beaded at Sonny's forehead and the expanse of his shoulders.

He had never seen Sonny in such a state, desperate and rumpled and _fearful_. He had never seen Sonny trembling and at the edge of screams as he bucked beside him in bed.

" _Stop_ ," Sonny rasped, voice wavering between commanding officer and scared boy, broken to Rafael's ears, and his voice shook as he repeated himself, now a mournful beg. The sleepy part of Rafael's brain now wondered what exactly had caused the purple halo of bruises around Sonny's eye, and what had come before and since. It felt inappropriate to ask even as the question gnawed on him.

Rafael laid a gentle hand on his chest, wondering if he ought to shake him awake.

"Sonny," he murmured, offering a mere shake of his hand.

There was a beat of silence before Sonny opened his mouth, panting desperately and involuntarily allowing a series of sharp, fearful gasps to escape as he writhed in the sheets. Whatever plagued him appeared to be consuming him, and witnessing it forced a seemingly incurable ache into Rafael's gut.

"Sonny," he whispered again, husky and more insistent. "Wake up, sweetheart. You're dreaming." Normally he wasn't one for pet names, but it dripped gently from his lips, knowing it was exactly what Sonny would need. "Wake up."

It was either the touch of Rafael's hand to his chest, or the syrupy, warm tone of his sleep-roughed voice, but Sonny's eyes fluttered open, searching and afraid at the unresponsive sprawl of their bedroom ceiling. His breath came in sharp, pained gasps, and it seemed as though it may never slow. Rafael petted his chest, laying a gentle kiss over his racing heartbeat.

"I - " he exhaled as though searching for the words for an apology. "I'm - "

"You're safe," Rafael corrected before Sonny could speak. "It's all right. Shh." It felt wrong to push the worries away with a mere few words of dismissal, but it seemed there was little else to say. He kissed lightly at the point of Sonny's collarbone. "Sonny."

Sonny tried to slow his breathing, but the tremors that barreled through his body didn't seem to do much to catch up to the effort. Even in the dim light of the bedroom, Rafael could see that involuntary tears had sprung to the corners of his eyes, and he yearned to do something to push them aside. He watched Sonny cough to himself, trying to regain his composure.

He gave Rafael a watery smile. "I - bad dream," he explained finally, trying to betray what had obviously consumed him during the night. "Sorry for waking you up." His apology was nearly uncertain, and the tone of his voice made something harsh swell in his chest. It wasn't often that he thought of the way the world chipped away at Sonny, perhaps something to do with the smile that Sonny tried to carry with him out of the precinct. He wondered what types of things Sonny tried to lay down at his desk not to bring home. They seldom discussed it.

"Don't be sorry," he argued, always wanting to be right but remembering it was likely too late or early to do so. "It's all right, Sonny." The tears had now made their way down to the apples of Sonny's cheeks, flushed and damp with sweat and those tears. Rafael could see his fingers tighten in the sheet. "You're safe." He trailed his fingers across Sonny's chest, dipping into the hollows between his ribs which now somehow seemed to be deeper than before. "Come back to me."

The words hung heavily between them in a pregnant pause.

Sonny rolled over from his back and onto his side, turning to face Rafael. His eyes were wet and pleading, suddenly looking far too awake. His gaze was piercing, and it was now Rafael's turn to shudder. Sonny slid his fingers into Rafael's hair, pressing their mouths together as though searching for grounding. Despite the guilt he felt at the idea of _taking_ now, Rafael fought down a possessive growl. The kiss deepened.

"Please," Sonny rasped, his hips squirming with what he wanted quickly becoming abundantly clear. "Please."

Rafael fastened their mouths together again, rocking his hips forward and shivering at the way the silk of his pajamas brushed against Sonny's sparsely clothed body. The fabric was cool against his body, and Rafael savored the way that a favorable tremble now wracked Sonny's frame. He watched the way Sonny's nipples stiffened at the coolness, and he trailed his fingertips across them with reverence.

"You're safe," he murmured again, kissing at the rippling skin of Sonny's throat. "I'm here."

For a few moments, Sonny allowed his eyes to drift closed, savoring the way that Rafael's fingers traced his nipples, and Rafael watched the way he captured his lower lip between the points of his teeth.

"Touch me," he begged. "Please, Rafi."

Rafael wondered if he ought to be capitalizing on the moment, but instead dipped his fingers below the waistband of Sonny's boxers. His skin was so warm that Rafael wondered how he'd managed two weeks in the deepening cold of fall alone in bed without Sonny. It suddenly seemed an impossibly long stretch, and he thanked his stars that his bed was no longer empty. He kissed away one of the tears on Sonny's cheek.

"Yes," he ground out, losing his control and hooking his fingers in Sonny's underwear to help him drag them down. Seeing the desperate way Sonny kicked the boxers down to his ankles and then away made affection bloom deep inside of Rafael's chest, and a faint, morbid part of him fluttered to the idea of what he would've done if Sonny hadn't come home to him - tonight or otherwise. He batted the notion away.

He could see the way Sonny's cock bobbed in the air as it was freed into the dim light, twitching slightly in time with the race of his heartbeat and glistening at its tip. Rafael's mouth watered.

"I missed you," Rafael mumbled, kissing him between his collarbones and sucking lightly. "I missed you so much. I wanted you to come home."

"I - I did," Sonny said, as though almost in disbelief that he had made it back to this sacred space of their bedroom. It hurt.

"You did," Rafael agreed, rolling on top of Sonny and worming his hand between their bodies. His knuckles rubbed against the smooth fabric of his own pajamas, hearing Sonny moan at the friction of it brushing against his hard cock. "You're here, and you're so good - my baby."

Sonny shuddered, arching up into the slow, sleepy pump of Rafael's hand. He shivered, working hard to push down Rafael's pants as well. His mouth dropped open, the simple touch feeling now like the best moment of his day - even more so than the spaghetti and the clean towels and his own fucking bed, _finally_. He tilted his head back, allowing himself to be kissed deeply as Rafael slotted their hips together.

" _God_ ," Sonny exhaled, allowing Rafael to take both of them together in his hand. "I just - "

"I know," Rafael agreed, tracing the pad of his thumb in a circle through the precome beading at the tip of his dick. "Lay back." It was hard to argue with, and Sonny squeezed his eyes tightly closed as he felt another pulse of arousal leave him and dribble onto Rafael's hand. "Let me take care of you."

He tightened his grip, making Sonny thrust up into his hand with need and feeling the way their skin shifted against each other. As they kissed again, Sonny let out a desperate moan as his legs fell further apart, seeking friction.

"I love you," Rafael promised, nipping at the hollow of Sonny's throat before kissing back up to his mouth and sliding his tongue inside. "I love you so much." His strokes quickened, and he could feel Sonny unraveling beneath his hands and mouth as he fought in vain to keep still. Instead, he desperately pumped his hips in conjunction with Rafael's strokes as they lost patience. "You're safe."

"Yes, _yes_ ," he whimpered, thighs tensing as he bucked harder. "I love you, Rafael!"

The sound of Rafael's hand on both of them was slick and almost obscenely loud, and it made Rafael's toes curl hard as he rocked their hips together.

"I'm gonna come," Sonny said, voice hoarse and desperate as he writhed.

"Do it," Rafael urged, kissing and then licking into Rafael's mouth. "You're so good for me, baby. I missed you so much. I'm so glad you came home to me." His voice was shaking with his own need, but it felt greedy to seek his own release first.

Precome dribbled freely from Sonny, and he moaned loudly. Rafael thought himself lucky for the tact of his neighbors as he gently sank his teeth into Sonny's neck. For his part, Sonny offered a strangled cry, spilling come all over his belly and up to his chest as though punched unexpectedly out of him. The feeling of Sonny's hot, stray come between their bodies and down his own cock made Rafael pant, now coming himself all over Sonny's chest. It seemed he had taken advantage of the situation, but Sonny moaned at the feel of the heat. He drew a fingertip through the come on their chest and sank it into his mouth.

"Jesus _Christ_ ," Rafael gritted out, slumping down on top of Sonny's body. "I love you."

Sonny sighed hotly, a shiver racing through him, but his mind appeared far away and wandering father still.

Rafael groped for a tissue and plucked a few from the box on the bedside table, blotting at their bodies and discarding the tissues away when he'd finished. It was messiness he didn't like, but the idea of leaving Sonny's side seemed overwhelming and terrifying.

When he'd returned to stretch back out on his side with his hand on Rafael's now-cleaned belly, he stole a look at Sonny's face. His eyes were tightly shut, and his jaw was clenched. Tears beaded again at the corners of his eyes, back to invade the tender space between them. Rafael traced small circles over his heart.

"Sonny," he whispered gently, hoping to bring him back, but for now it was hopeless.

With a shaky breath, Sonny kept his eyes closed tightly still. "I was so afraid," he murmured, sinking his teeth cruelly into his own lip as though ashamed of himself for the admission. "I was just so afraid."

There was nothing to do other than tangle his fingers together with Sonny's, to rub his thumb across the knuckles of the hand he held so tightly. Perhaps they would regroup in the morning, finding themselves back in their lighter and happier pattern, but for tonight, Sonny was wounded beyond just the blackened skin around his eye. Rafael said nothing, nuzzling at his skin and hoping to be good enough through the night.

**Author's Note:**

> Apparently I am not good at letting Sonny off without angst, my bad.  
> The title is from Rooney - Blueside.  
> Thank you so much for reading!


End file.
